The Cougar Convo

Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t like the term “Cougar” when referring to older woman/younger man relationships. The term has negative connotations.

Don’t believe me? Check out the “definitions” on Urban Dictionary.

Here’s a sample:

(see also hunt, prowl, corner, pounce). Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. “Man is cougar’s number one prey”

Millions of them. More famously, Demi and Ashton, Naomi Watts and Heath Ledger, Joan Collins and her hubby, Cameron and Justin, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

::deep sigh::

Barring my utter disdain for the term, I had a rather amusing conversation with a close male friend, who is eight years my junior by the way, on the topic.

Chocl8t: why did the old man in Kroger get fresh with me? lol
That Dude: thats new?
That Dude: 🙂
Chocl8t: …..
That Dude: im sayin
Chocl8t: he caught me off guard
That Dude: lol
Chocl8t: i asked for 2 pieces of chicken…thighs
Chocl8t: him: you want 2 thighs? *dirty old man grin*
Chocl8t: da hell LOL
That Dude: lmao niiice
That Dude: if i worked in food service i would use that one too  lol
Chocl8t: ………..
That Dude: whaaat??
Chocl8t: that old man was old enough to be my daddy
That Dude: aand?
Chocl8t: again….you get the side eye
That Dude: well im gonna be lookin at hips n ass till i die
That Dude: i dont see the problem lol
That Dude: and being that you’re a cougar…
That Dude: it makes sense that u dont look at the older cats like that  lmaooooo

Chocl8t: bite me all on my ass ni**a, i’m no cougar
That Dude: lmaoooo  u dont think so?  ok ok so u have cougarish qualities
Chocl8t: No. I do not
That Dude: cougar-like
That Dude: quasi-cougar
Chocl8t: what in the hell qualifies me as a cougar  Ugh
That Dude: cougar lite  lol
Chocl8t: lmao @ cougar lite
That Dude: you’re open to the younger meat
Chocl8t: you almost made me call you a mothafugga
Chocl8t: IH8U
That Dude: lmao
That Dude: u take offense when you shouldn’t  lol
That Dude: there’s one thing to like younger cats but its another to actually have them like u back
Chocl8t: b/c i find the term cougar sort of offensive
That Dude: says a lot about you
That Dude: cougars who are successful usually look good/young enough to bag a youngster
That Dude: u should be proud of what yo mamma gave ya  lol
Chocl8t: i am but i still don’t like the term COUGAR
That Dude: lol
Chocl8t: lol
That Dude: ok ok
That Dude: Panther? lmao
Chocl8t: mainly because of the age implication
That Dude: lynx
That Dude: *growl*
Chocl8t: nope
That Dude: *hiss*
Chocl8t: bite me
That Dude: trust me im not labeling you
Chocl8t: nooooooo, you’re teasing me lol

Do you think it’s accurate? Negative? Does it matter the woman’s intent?

Or as my friend claims her ability to attract and bag younger men without “hunting”

Tell me your thoughts.

18 thoughts on “The Cougar Convo

  1. from the definition above hell yea it’s negative…

    I will never “hunt” a man…regardless of age….

    the definition above describes a desperate woman if you ask me….

    I want to know where the term came from

    1. I hear ya sis. But what about women, like me, who find themselves dating younger men? Not that they look for the younger guys but those are the guys who are approaching.

      1. sis honestly I don’t know

        but by the definition above you are not a cougar…but I bet if we look hard enough we’ll find a cougar definition that will “fit” you


    1. honestly I don’t know if it’s as simple as hot chick over 40…I think there is some behavior of said 40-ish hot chick that goes along with it that will then make them cougarish…if that makes sense

      example: I am by no means cougarish…. regardless of age….

  2. Anytime there’s a a categorization based on assumed generalizations of sexual attitude, its going to feel like objectification. In a black and white sense it is, so its natural to be resistant and offended by the assumption that you’re “this” or “that” without considering your individual motives or circumstances.

    But its a question of context and intent.

    I think in conversational use (especially in the example you gave) its more an expression saying “you know what you want, and you’ve got what it takes to get it regardless of age or anything else.”

    Unfortunately, the message that I think comes through the most is “you’re old” which I don’t think is the intent, and most guys don’t register as insulting.

    Dudes think if they start out with “you’re hot” it supercedes anything else in the statement, whether it be “for a cougar,” “for a big girl” or whatever — and it simply doesn’t work that way.

    Its an insult that’s frequently intended as something else – which doesn’t excuse it, but maybe is something to consider when its said.

    1. Hex, I think I love you!

      “Unfortunately, the message that I think comes through the most is “you’re old” which I don’t think is the intent, and most guys don’t register as insulting”

      You hit the nail on the head!!!

      1. umm back up off of Hex

        I see I’ma have to make my territory with him…

        y’all heauxes is lovin’ him a little too much


        but as always he makes perfect sense

  3. As far as I’m aware, the “cougar” term is new over here, and only here in the first place because of exposure to US culture. I certainly don’t use it and would, quite frankly, feel daft doing so. As silly as me trying to say “ass” and not mean a donkey, or as silly as an American saying “arse”.

    Also, it appears to me to be an entirely pejorative word, with no positive meaning, except in the eyes of a leery younger man, to whom the word will simply indicate a sexy older woman he wants to sleep with. Whenever I’ve been attracted to an older woman, that woman hasn’t been a “cougar” to me, she’s been an attractive older woman. I might still want to sleep with her, but I ain’t gonna demean her by using that word. That word, as far as I see it, is for parodic use only……

  4. I think that we all have terms with which we prefer not to be associated – that’s a personal choice. My birth name for instance, is Joseph, which I love with a burning passion, but no one calls me that except for immediate family. I always get “Joey, Joe, Jo-Jo” and never “Joseph”. I figured I’d come up with something that people would like to say – Joelle. It worked.

    Folks ask “What’s so wrong with the nicknames?” The “wrong” is that I don’t like them – end of story. “Cougar” is just a term that someone came up with to describe a particular woman. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. You can come up with a term that suits you better to replace “cougar”, or you will simply have to be bothered and complain when it comes your way until people stop using it to categorize you. Of course, that’s a pretty hard task and it may never catch on, but, if you don’t object, they will never know.

    My era’s term of similar persuasion was “robbing the cradle” – an older man dating a much young woman (even if both are well over 20 or 30, with the man being considerably older). Fortunately for us (men), society never “officially” made that a “bad” thing, so it was pretty much chic or hip to date in that manner. “Cougar” has gotten a bad reputation, though. I think Hex summed it up by pointing out that when men use it, they usually don’t realize that it’s insulting.

    Chin up and confront until it sinks in. Peace.

  5. Unless the men in question are disrespectful I honestly believe it’s a compliment as your friend stated. Not every woman older than the man is a cougar – it takes a certain type of woman to be considered. And that’s not to say that her intention is that of a cougar, but just talking in general.

    I am tripping where he spoke of looking at hips and ass til he dies. I feel him. Cause that’s the business. I also feel you where you spoke of not “hunting.” But I am under the belief that it’s lesser what the woman thinks and more of how society has embraced the concept on a whole.

    Then again, it seems like it’s the term itself that you are not feeling?

  6. Goodness, lady– I thought I was the ONLY woman that can’t stand the term; Cougar!!! And forget the ‘urban dictionary’… a Cougar is an animal– a predator! I couldn’t deal young ‘men’ when I was young and not trying to go back in time at ALL! hahaha

    Please tell me this wasn’t a real conversation that you had with some fvker (Choc)?!!! Cuz… DAMN!!! It’s funny, when old (azz) men date younger women they’re not labeled anything but “lucky” or given an “atta-boy”. But when women date younger they’re somehow labeled something akin to a predator?! For real? UGH.. just UGGHHH!!!

    Pop culture is a trip! Someone says ONE THING one TIME and people run with it!!!! UGH!! That term is not hip, cute or fly IMO. But hey… I’m just {yelling} saying…

    P.S. @ hex– I hear what you’re saying (for real), but why can’t we be “men and women” instead, you know? I also don’t like the term MILF. But that’s just me so carry on ladies and gents. 😉

    1. Ok, Jazz…I can’t tell from the tone of your comment if you’re angry or amused. 😐 **Confused Spice**

      Yes, it was a “real” conversation but it wasn’t with “some ufcker”…it was with a very close friend as I stated in my post. A close friend who meant no harm and no offense but was poking fun at a girl with thick skin and a good sense of humor. 😉

      I agree there is a double standard, life is full of them it seems, but you know what…I’m gonna do me knowing no one can put me in a box if I don’t allow them to. 😉

      1. “Ok, Jazz…I can’t tell from the tone of your comment if you’re angry or amused. 😐 **Confused Spice**” Both– “confused spiced” describes my emotions on the subject well although I THINK you’re referring to yourself with that cute expression! hahahaha…

        I guess I didn’t read between the lines on that direct convo with a friend vs. some dude on the street– my bad! hahaha. I just think it’s a real shame that some ‘celeb types’ will make a statement and suddenly that’s the new catch phrase that people run with, negating potential consequences. If that’s not SOME proof that “we follow more than lead”, I guess I’m completely clueless about the human mind. Simply stated, why can’t I be a woman “from cradle to grave”? Other terms used to describe women (young OR old), chicken head (REALLY– WTF?), Old Maid, Spinster, Sugar Mama (again– WTF?), Ole Lady and this one knocks me out… BABY MAMA!!! But what are the catch phrases for men? I think you get the idea. On the other side of that hypocritical thinking is some old fart traipsing around with an 18 year old girl and no one seems to say a thing. (::Coughs:: Donald Trump, Larry King, Hugh Hefner, etc.) What coined phrases are THOSE guys [pedophiles] given?

        slight sidebar: glad you know about susan and tim– i thought they made a nice couple (even though they never married). I’ve had a secret crush on Tim over the years. He’s tall (a little too lean for my taste) and has this boyish look– in other words he’s probably more of a “THINKER” than a “BRUTE” which I find MOST attractive in men. I personally hope they’ll get back together but I think Tim is a ‘wiser than his years’ sort of “cutie” (rare to find). Sometimes there is wisdom in youth and if an older woman finds her match in someone younger– why is there a title for her and not men who’ve had relationships with ‘women’ younger than their daughters? ::ends (solitary) sidebar::

        Oh well… hopefully you’ll continue to write your thought provoking and engaging entries. I happen to like them. 😉


  7. Late again.

    I hate the term because, to me, it’s all about vilifying women for daring to age. Basically older women should never fuck again. Older women are icky. Their bodies aren’t the same as they were 20 years ago. The only women allowed to fuck are young, thin, beauty-standard-compliant women. The rest of us should kill our libidos and don’t even DARE to inflict them on poor, unsuspecting men. The term “cougar” is a joke meaning “Old bitch who stupidly thinks she’s sill fuckable.”

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