dating

The truest expression of a people is in its dance and in its music. Bodies never lie. ~Agnes de Mille

He leads, she follows. He controls the situation and she surrenders, totally. Through submission she feels the freedom. This is on the dance floor.

dance3She is an alpha female, fiercely independent and places no confidence nor trust in a man, any man. Anything a man can do she believes she can do better because she is his equal. In her life she finds it impossible, and stupid, to follow a man’s lead. To her, surrender and submission means a loss of control, dependence…subjection.

If there is any truth to the quote “Dance is the hidden language of the soul. ~Martha Graham”, the majority of women is living in direct contrast to our deepest, most natural desire and it is not a wonder why we are all the more miserable for it. We have fought against the very thing we yearn for most.

For all the good the feminist movement did in achieving social and political equality for women, I think it also did us a great disservice. Over the years this feminism, bra burning, girl power, Gloria Steinem, I am woman hear me roar bullshit has convinced women that we are “equal” to men and that submission/surrender equals oppression.

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distortionIt was the stuff Novellas are made of and I was smack dab in middle. The experience left me feeling empty, guilty, and I didn’t feel I could trust myself because I betrayed the trust of someone who considered me a friend. Had I utilized my usual modus operandi of a long observation, a “feeling out” period, I never would have allowed her within my inner circle of friends but before I knew it, we were fast “friends”.

We spent a lot of time bonding over martinis at the hottest nightspots in the ATL and over shots at family cookouts, which were just about every other weekend during that time. We met at work when she and her live-in boyfriend relocated from another state.

Lisa and Michael seemed to be the perfect couple as he doted on her and from all outward appearances was still in love after seven years. He was tall, dark, and very handsome. And as cliché-ish as that sounds, it’s true. I developed a close friendship with both Michael and Lisa. After a minor out-patient surgery, he called to check on me as well as she did.

The first sign of trouble was Lisa’s attraction to another co-worker, whom I will call, Myron. She was taken in by his charm, I guess, and the fact that he made six figures…something to which she also aspired. Despite the fact that Myron was married with four children it didn’t seem to matter to Lisa because he regaled her with stories of a loveless marriage to a woman with mental issues. She believed him. We all did.

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Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t like the term “Cougar” when referring to older woman/younger man relationships. The term has negative connotations.

Don’t believe me? Check out the “definitions” on Urban Dictionary.

Here’s a sample:

(see also hunt, prowl, corner, pounce). Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. “Man is cougar’s number one prey”

Millions of them. More famously, Demi and Ashton, Naomi Watts and Heath Ledger, Joan Collins and her hubby, Cameron and Justin, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

::deep sigh::

Barring my utter disdain for the term, I had a rather amusing conversation with a close male friend, who is eight years my junior by the way, on the topic.

Chocl8t: why did the old man in Kroger get fresh with me? lol
That Dude: thats new?
That Dude: 🙂
Chocl8t: …..
That Dude: im sayin
Chocl8t: he caught me off guard
That Dude: lol
Chocl8t: i asked for 2 pieces of chicken…thighs
Chocl8t: him: you want 2 thighs? *dirty old man grin*
Chocl8t: da hell LOL
That Dude: lmao niiice
That Dude: if i worked in food service i would use that one too  lol
Chocl8t: ………..
That Dude: whaaat??
Chocl8t: that old man was old enough to be my daddy
That Dude: aand?
Chocl8t: again….you get the side eye
That Dude: well im gonna be lookin at hips n ass till i die
That Dude: i dont see the problem lol
That Dude: and being that you’re a cougar…
That Dude: it makes sense that u dont look at the older cats like that  lmaooooo

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I was watching a local TV show the other night hosted by two Atlanta radio personalities. They read a letter from a confused listener/viewer seeking advice, insight, or some sort of understanding in her situation.

The gist of the letter:

It describes a young woman in her late 20s, raised by free-spirited parents who encouraged sexual freedom and responsibility. She became sexually active around the age of 15. She had not been in a serious or committed relationship until recently. While at dinner with the beau of several months, he asked how many men had she’d been with sexually. She responded that is was 624. He called her slut. Now she is confused as to why he would call her such a thing.

woman with menWe know the double standard. A man can bed over 100 women and be considered a “player”. Yet, a woman who does the same is considered a “whore”. I’m not going to debate that issue. It is what it is and I don’t see it changing in my lifetime.

My question, as the title states, is how many is too many for a woman? For a man?

Think about it for a minute…

This prompted several conversations with male friends. One friend threw out an arbitrary number while others scoffed at the very idea. They gave me the “screw face” as if it pained them to even think about it.

Do you have a number yet?

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It’s no secret that I’m single. It’s also no secret that it is hard being a single female in Atlanta. Hard if you choose not to screw men for sport or money, have some measure of dignity, and can recognize game when you see it. With that being said it should come as no surprise that I have been experiencing a long dry season. For a while it even seemed as if I couldn’t even buy a date…nothing was poppin for the kid. NOTHING!!

In the past couple of days I’ve had brief conversations with two potential “dates” or suitors. I hate those initial “getting to know you” talks. HATE ‘EM! Both young men made the same comment that causes a natural gag reflex with me.

So, tell me about yourself“. Uuuugggghhhh!!!

There has to be a better way to get to know each other without feeling like I’m on a job interview or auditioning for The Bachelor/Bachelorette!!!  I don’t want to feel as if I’m giving you a run down of my qualifications.

[in my best game show contestant voice] ‘Well, my name is Chocl8t. I’m 41 years old. I enjoy hiking, kayaking, bowling, and white water rafting. I’m an Aquarius and I’m a people person’. Uuuugghhh!!!

Could it be these guys just haven’t mastered the art of conversation? Or could it be I’m just cynical, jaded and just expect too much? Is it too much to want an effortless conversation that flows like a cool stream? Is it too much to want to laugh and joke in the process?

What is your technique or M.O. in getting to know someone? Do you run down a list of questions or do you let the conversation flow and go where it goes?