Chocl8t FunnyBone

Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t like the term “Cougar” when referring to older woman/younger man relationships. The term has negative connotations.

Don’t believe me? Check out the “definitions” on Urban Dictionary.

Here’s a sample:

(see also hunt, prowl, corner, pounce). Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the “hunt” for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. “Man is cougar’s number one prey”

Millions of them. More famously, Demi and Ashton, Naomi Watts and Heath Ledger, Joan Collins and her hubby, Cameron and Justin, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

::deep sigh::

Barring my utter disdain for the term, I had a rather amusing conversation with a close male friend, who is eight years my junior by the way, on the topic.

Chocl8t: why did the old man in Kroger get fresh with me? lol
That Dude: thats new?
That Dude: 🙂
Chocl8t: …..
That Dude: im sayin
Chocl8t: he caught me off guard
That Dude: lol
Chocl8t: i asked for 2 pieces of chicken…thighs
Chocl8t: him: you want 2 thighs? *dirty old man grin*
Chocl8t: da hell LOL
That Dude: lmao niiice
That Dude: if i worked in food service i would use that one too  lol
Chocl8t: ………..
That Dude: whaaat??
Chocl8t: that old man was old enough to be my daddy
That Dude: aand?
Chocl8t: again….you get the side eye
That Dude: well im gonna be lookin at hips n ass till i die
That Dude: i dont see the problem lol
That Dude: and being that you’re a cougar…
That Dude: it makes sense that u dont look at the older cats like that  lmaooooo

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The squirrel met his untimely demise as a result of a chance encounter with my tires this morning. He didn’t stand a chance when he darted out in the middle of the road.You know how those little furry hyperactive creatures are…darting this way and that way…not quite sure if they should, making split second decisions. Had he followed his first mind and turned back, he could have walked away from the encounter alive. However, his indecisiveness got him squashed.

Yes. I killed a squirrel today. Am I upset? No, not in the least but I did become a little squeamish as I heard the small thud under the Corolla. Quite a different fate than those squirrels on the Geico commercial, wouldn’t you say? (See the video below)

That commercial should have come with a disclosure for squirrelly ass squirrels not to try this at home, stunt performed by professional stunt squirrels. HA!!!

This isn’t the first time a furry, or feathered, creature has met his demise under my tires.

The Goose.

I was returning to my apartment late one night and it was foggy. The apartment complex I lived in had a pond and geese would flock there during the spring and summer to swim, mate, eat, and sleep. It just so happened that on this particular night the geese were keeping late hours strolling alongside the pond, in the fog, in the dark.

*Badomp…domp-de-domp* “Dayum, what was that?” I thought as I was driving past the pond.
*Squaaaawwwwkk!! Squaaaaawwwwkkk!! Squaaaawwwwkk!!*

I look out my rear view mirror and there are about 5 geese chasing my car! Apparently I had hit one of their compadres.

The next morning was beautiful!! Clear blue skies, big puffy white clouds and the sun beaming down made for quite a picturesque scenario as I exited the complex driving past the pond. That was until I spotted the dead goose on the side of the road with his geese buddies standing not too far off.

They seemed to be in a daze. The shock of the sudden loss was still too fresh in their minds to comprehend.

::Shrugs::

Consider that early retribution for that dayum AFLAC duck. Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know ducks and geese are different but you get my point!

The Cat.

Anyone who knows me knows I DO NOT LIKE CATS!! Aside from being allergic to the stubborn independent fur balls…they just creep me out. But this, in no way, factored into what happened one morning on the way into work.

As I am driving on a two-lane road with the suicide lane in the middle (that’s the center turning lane), traffic was, as usual, heavy. Traveling in the direction in which I was headed, traffic was flowing about 40 mph when out of no where this Tom cat darts out into the road. I see him coming and I began screaming, “Nooooo!! Nooooo!!”

**CAThud… Badomp…domp-de-domp**

“OH GOD NOOOOOOO!!!” I shrieked. Looking in my rear view mirror I see the kitty squirming and flailing its appendages trying to make it to its paws.

The sight sent me into a guilt ridden prayer asking for God’s forgiveness for killing one of His creatures. God knew I didn’t like cats but I didn’t maliciously set out to harm the animal. I think I prayed and rocked & prayed and rocked the entire drive to the office.

While sitting at my desk my manager arrives and walks past me with a puzzled look. “Are you ok?” he asked.

I immediately burst into to tears and through my muffled sobs I told him what just happened. His reaction was hysterical laughter.

“You mean to tell me…the woman who doesn’t take shit off of no one, including ME, is bawling behind a gatdayum cat?” he manages to say between snorts. He continues, “You little cream puff you!”

More laughter and snorting ensue.

“Shake it off!! Lunch is on me today for giving me the best laugh I’ve had all week!!” he says as he enters his office.
Wiping the last tear from my eye, I respond, “Mark. I H8 U! This isn’t funny! I killed a cat!!! I feel awful!”

**Laugh-laugh…Snort**

“How’s Longhorn?” he retorts. “…or you could expense it? Either way, enjoy….MUDERER!!”

The guilt eventually faded away but not the disdain for cats.

::Shrugs::

What have I taken away from these experiences?

Let. Me. See…

Chocl8t = 3…..God’s furry creatures = 0?

Squirrels are stupid and indecisive, geese are loyal to their friends, and I still hate cats.