The revelation of underlying insecurities have given me pause and forced me to look within. Recent changes in the workplace have left me feeling undermined by a particularly ambitious individual. Ironic because I do not want the role I was asked to assume and also, I am actively seeking employment elsewhere.
Since I have been on this gig, I have found myself stressing about whether my skills, talents, and contributions are valued and if a certain someone is gunning to make me obsolete to the team. This stress has negatively affected my sleep and appetite.
One thing I have come to realize though is that this leadership role, specifically within this context, is not what I want. Leadership and management are glorified babysitting positions and I am not diplomatic, nor tactful, in my delivery when telling people to get their shit together. I am perfectly fine with being a technical writer and crafting processes, policies, and procedures around how documentation services interact with the various business units. I am fine with pursuing other opportunities that will allow me to expand and grow in my craft.
I have come to realize that at the root of this stress induced anxiety is insecurity surrounding my writing and the nagging insidious thoughts that I am not enough or even worthy. I have not convinced myself that I am a “good” writer in spite of the feedback that affirms that I am far better than just “good”. Just recently over the holidays, a friend shared with me, and a group of women, that she and her husband actually read my work and he thinks that I am a “prolific writer”. I am still stunned with disbelief and struggling to not just accept it as truth but also own it.
How do I fully walk in in this gift if I am unable to see it myself?
How do I drown out the small yet loud and convincing voice in my head that says otherwise?
How do I get to the root of this insecurity and weed it out permanently?
Why I am feeling threatened on this job and why do I even care? Is it pride or ego? It’s probably both to be perfectly honest.
I’m afraid I have more questions than answers at the moment but I refuse to stop until I see my way through this. Until the moment I stop doubting myself and look at my work and say confidently…I did that!