peace

Screenshot_20180108-131236The revelation of underlying insecurities have given me pause and forced me to look within. Recent changes in the workplace have left me feeling undermined by a particularly ambitious individual. Ironic because I do not want the role I was asked to assume and also, I am actively seeking employment elsewhere.

Since I have been on this gig, I have found myself stressing about whether my skills, talents, and contributions are valued and if a certain someone is gunning to make me obsolete to the team. This stress has negatively affected my sleep and appetite.

One thing I have come to realize though is that this leadership role, specifically within this context, is not what I want. Leadership and management are glorified babysitting positions and I am not diplomatic, nor tactful, in my delivery when telling people to get their shit together. I am perfectly fine with being a technical writer and crafting processes, policies, and procedures around how documentation services interact with the various business units. I am fine with pursuing other opportunities that will allow me to expand and grow in my craft.

Screenshot_20180108-131314I have come to realize that at the root of this stress induced anxiety is insecurity surrounding my writing and the nagging insidious thoughts that I am not enough or even worthy. I have not convinced myself that I am a “good” writer in spite of the feedback that affirms that I am far better than just “good”. Just recently over the holidays, a friend shared with me, and a group of women, that she and her husband actually read my work and he thinks that I am a “prolific writer”. I am still stunned with disbelief and struggling to not just accept it as truth but also own it.

How do I fully walk in in this gift if I am unable to see it myself?

How do I drown out the small yet loud and convincing voice in my head that says otherwise?

How do I get to the root of this insecurity and weed it out permanently?

Why I am feeling threatened on this job and why do I even care? Is it pride or ego? It’s probably both to be perfectly honest.

I’m afraid I have more questions than answers at the moment but I refuse to stop until I see my way through this. Until the moment I stop doubting myself and look at my work and say confidently…I did that!

Screenshot_20180108-131207

Advertisements

57600020I’ve been absent for a while. In that time I haven’t written, not even in my private personal journal. Not that a lot of shit hasn’t gone on that I could have vented about, but I just felt the need to be quiet. To be…”still”.

As some of you know, last summer I opened my home to close friend who was, and still is, in a transitional period in her life. Divorce and bankruptcy knocked her on her butt and left her in a state of depression. She displayed all the classic symptoms of depression but after an intervention with couple of close friends, she’s in counseling and living with another close friend until she gets on her feet.

The friend is gone and I have my space back to myself. Yes Laawwd!

In the time she was living with me I learned a few things about myself which was kind of hard to admit. For example, I LIKE LIVING ALONE. What can I say? I like my space. Being able to walk around partially clad or butt ass butt nekkid was taken for granted before having a ‘house guest’ but now I take every opportunity to do so. In fact, I’m typing this in the nude sitting on my sofa! 😀

Things are back to normal. Same ole, same ole. Status quo. Yet, not so.

brevillejuicerI’ve been having a series of conversations with a male friend on the benefits of juice fasting and detoxification. He has done it several times and touts how great he feels, how healthy. Through reading and researching I’ve learned that it is a good way to kick certain food addictions, such as sugar, and can provide mental clarity. So, I bought a juicer and have begun phasing the fasting into my routine and believe me when I tell you, it isn’t easy, even with the juice. IT. IS. HARD!

Why am I attempting to fast? Glad you asked. 😉

My reasons are more spiritural than physical. I’ve been the very obstacle that’s been keeping me from reaching my goals and getting what I want. Past hurts have left my confidence depleted and I want it back. I have fears which have manifested into this wall and I have not been able to let it down, get around it, nor have I allowed anyone beyond a certain point. 

I want to get out of the way and I need and want that mental clarity. A girlfriend described it perfectly as a “quest for peace“.

Let the journey begin!