I Forgive You – An Open Letter to The Molester

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiving you is the most selfish, self-serving, self-centered thing I will do in a long time. It’s long overdue and I should have done this for myself years ago.

I forgive you for snatching from me my childhood innocence with your perversion and forcing me to participate in things of which no child should ever have knowledge.

For years I kept the dark painful secret of your abuse out of fear, guilt, and shame. Afraid because I thought I did something wrong and would be punished and then the fear that no one would believe me. Ashamed because I felt dirty and tainted. Guilty because I thought that somehow it was my fault and I should have known better and stopped it.

forgivenessThese feelings were complicated and twisted all the more with your proclamation that I was your “favorite niece” whom you showered with gifts. Little did I know that these were nothing more than mere bribes to keep me silent.

And silent I remained unit that fateful day when I could no longer suppress it as it forced its way to the surface like a foul bile. It was at that moment when, in my early 20s, I knew…I felt that if I didn’t tell it, the toxicity would kill me.

When I finally told my mom, VMH, and my boyfriend I wept, no, sobbed uncontrollably. It was if a huge weight had been lifted and I felt a sense of freedom. However, with that freedom was short-lived because there was anger. An anger so intense that the mention of your name left me entertaining thoughts of killing you. And even though I felt a measure of freedom, or relief, I imprisoned those with whom I shared this dark secret by making them promise never to tell a soul, specifically, Mother (Mudda) and my daddy.

I could not bare the thought of Mudda not believing me because after all, you were her son, her blood. Equally, or even more so unfathomable would have been my daddy’s heartbreak. I truly believe, as does every family member, had I told him, you would be dead and he would have spent the rest of his life in prison. Both of my beloveds went to their graves never knowing the foul things you did to me. I would say ‘you could thank me later’, but I did not do it to protect you, but rather to protect them.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I took the next step on this journey to freedom by releasing those who knew from that vow of silence. I was tired of keeping your nasty little secret…the molester, the abuser. I was tired of the unwarranted shame for I had nothing of which to be ashamed. It was a burden I was no longer willing to carry.

This allowed me to share my story with a cousin and to my horror she admitted that she too had been victimized by you. I was overwhelmed with first sadness and again guilt for not being strong enough to speak up sooner – maybe it would have spared her. Unrealistic expectations to have a 6 year old child to be someone else’s savior.

Here I stand in this final stretch of my journey having peeled away and shaken off the fear, guilt, and shame; having let go of the anger, ready and able to forgive you. By doing so, what you’ve done to me no longer controls me. Forgiving you frees me from the fear, guilt, shame, and anger.

This forgiveness is not an invitation to re-enter my life for there will never be a place for you there. I do, however, wish you well.




7 thoughts on “I Forgive You – An Open Letter to The Molester

  1. Thank You for sharing your story. I was molested by a relative at 8 years old, so I can definitely understand your feelings. Forgiveness is definitely a journey– a hard one.

    1. “Forgiveness is definitely a journey– a hard one”… indeed it is. I’ve come to believe that most of us have been a victim of this horrible act. And keeping it inside is the worst thing we can do because it gives them no incentive to correct their behavior. I was 14 at the time and 27 before I spoke out. I finally was able to forgive him when I turned 31 and every since I’ve had no shame about what happened to me. Our society is completely warped on this subject unfortunately and proof positive that we are simply not rearing boys to men. I believe this type of act is not the same as your serial rapist-stalker-stranger. It’s very different when you “know” the person. Yes– we are a very sick society.

      Thank you for sharing. Hopefully it will help remove the shame we feel as VICTIMS. It’s amazing how our society can make us feel as though it’s our fault, isn’t it?

  2. My name is Kristal McClodden, I was molested by my mothers step dad when I was around 8. I knew it was wrong so I had the courage to go straight to my mother. That’s when I learned that I wasn’t the first of his victims, yet she told me not to speak about it. She begged me not to tell my father because he was just being released from prison & she never went to the police because she worried about keeping the family together. I kept quiet, but it was always awkward because I felt on the outside looking in on all of the “make believe” interactions. Keeping quiet also led him to continue to come after me & when I became a teenager he started trying to bribe me into letting him do things. I promised myself for years that I’d speak about it, but I learned that timing was everything. I knew for a fact that confronting him as well as the steps I decided to take towards healing would endure more negative than positive. I knew I’d lose some phony family & I had to grow to become completely fine with it, knowing I’d make room for healthier relationships. My family has enabled & protected this monster for far too long & many still don’t want the truth exposed in effort to protect the “perfect family” image. This secret is too dark & has affected too many young lives. I don’t care how anybody feels about the hidden truth or if they choose not to speak to me because of it. But for my family to HATE me, SLANDER my name, MISTREAT my mother & take It on my children is dead wrong. This is not only an ongoing issue worldwide, but it’s neglected in the black community. So for any victim that comes across my story, I want you to know that it’s not about being accepted by those who care nothing about your best interest. I now understand the strength it takes to break the cycle of generational curses & secrecy, so I’ll continue doing my part by bringing awareness to child molestation. #HAVETHECOURAGETOTELL https://www.facebook.com/HAVETHECOURAGETOTELL

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