If you can’t be with the one you love like, love like the one you’re with. – The Isley Brothers
I have found myself in this situation more than once. I find myself there now. I spend time with him by default because, quite frankly, it’s something to do. He’s something to do.
I call him when I want to be in the company of a man…when I want to be touched by a man. There’s no longer any emotional attachment for me. Oh, I used to love him – was “in love” with him, but no more.
After plans fell through with a male friend, I received a text from “the default” to “hang out”. I think ‘what the hell…I don’t have anything better to do so…why not’. He wasn’t my first choice but after 2 Patron shots I head to his side of town. The shots were my attitude adjustment.
As I’m laying there, Chrisette Michele’s “If I Have My Way” begins to play courtesy of XM radio.
You’re who I desire
You light my fire…
With every kiss
You take me higher
My mind drifts…I LOVE this song. Damn! Nooo, he’s not who I desire.
There’s no one I’d rather share my good lovin with…
Damn! Yes…there is somebody and it’s not the guy attached to the bald head betwixt my thighs.
One day we’ll make love
Passion unheard of
I’ll be your woman
If I have my way…
Sigh…deep sigh…if I had my way this would be someone else.
“My body’s here with him but my mind is on the other side of town”
…in my mind, the O’Jays interrupt Ms Michele’s lovely ballad.
I wake up the next morning to breakfast and a hot shower. On the drive home, I do what I’ve done many times before in this past year…I promise myself this is the last time.
I Am Chocl8t 
love the post sis…
you are in a tough sitch…something I couldn’t do…I always think would I want this done to me? hell I’ve had it done to me and it’s just not fun…be careful sis
Girlie I love Chrisette too. However after reading your post I started laughing at the end cause all I could think was damn dudes head game must be lame…Choc all dissecting songs while dude boy is busy at work. Yeah cancel him babe 🙂 Love the post 🙂
Ugh i’ve been that dude before a few times. THe worst time was when I thought i was the other guy… the truly desired one.
But..found out she was still married….so i was just the young dick on the side.
Sucks.
You sure know how to air it out. I suppose that’s a good thing. I imagine that most of us have been there as well . . . I certainly have been. My situation starts just like yours – what he hay, may as well. Afterwards, I’m drifting and not hearing a words she’s saying. It’s been over a year now and the last time . . . WAS the last time. It’s worth whatever pain that comes to just not be there (personal opinion – not advice). I’m single and alone . . . no worthwhile advice. But, I feel ya. Peace.
Awe, DAMMIT SON! Been there before (but I was still “in love” with the fuker). Sho does suck (this I know). But as a true romantic at heart, there IS A “perfect” Yin to your Yang. He’s out there– I just know HE IS! You’re just too lovely a person not to have your ‘compliment’ in this life! My only modest advice: get out of ATL! lol! The pickins’ are slim there! hahaha— okay, sorry, but I’ve lived there too. The ratio was severally imbalanced way back then and I’m sure it’s worse now (is what I’m trying to say).
Nice jam by the way– thanks for the intro to her!
It’s hard to go forward with finding that “one” when you still have a portion of your focus and attention on someone “superficial.” Maybe it’s time to delete “default’s” number
Yup – have done that, from both sides. Ain’t pretty, and it screws with your head in the long run, I think. It sounds like it’s doing just that to you too….
On a protracted side note – never heard of Chrisette Michele. And that’s one fine song! Another to go hunt on vinyl on ebay – thanks! She sounds like she crosses that Muldrow/Braxton dividing line quite neatly (a difficult trick if so). And boyoboy she’s got a beautiful face………
Agreed, it can mess with the psyche. BTW…who’s Muldrow?
That’s Georgia Anne Muldrow. Get anything by her. Anything. She is top top class. A comparison might be the jazz of early Flack compared to the soul of Franklin. I think that’s how she might compare to the soul of Badu, who’s probably her closest female peer.
Here’s a good example. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RBjMrRXTxI
But really. Anything by her. Just heard a couple of new tunes (Pad Control, and Simple Advice) – both still soooo good.
Deep.
I wonder how many women feel the same as you when it comes to loving the one you’re with, by default, opposed to that person who owns part of your heart?
And if there’s any chance it will always remain this way…..
I think everyone has been there before, Even the men folk. It really sucks when you wish it was someone else. I try not to let myself fall back into old habits. I’ve been successful thus far. Maybe this time was the last time for you.
@ Beth – this has been done to me, I’m sure. I’ll stop when I have had enough. I’m hoping this was the tipping point. 😉
@ HKS – I’m working on doing just that! LOL 🙂
@ Slaus – a valuable learning lesson!
@ Freedom – the last time WAS the last time. I have resolved to that!
@ Jazz – leaving ATL is not an option right now, besides, I love this city even with the out of whack male to female ratio. THis is my home. ::shrugs::
@ BlameMyRobot – that is always at the back of my mind. I don’t think I will truly get what I want, need, and deserve if I don’t change the “default” settings. THe next step is deleting the #.
@ Don – my situation isn’t unique to me. There are more women than you realize who are experiencing the same thing….just as there are men. 😐
@ Luvly – yes. you hit the nail on the head…old habits are hard to break! I’v done it before, I will do it again! 🙂
damn ….sucks to be him …..I’m still a wee bit jealous though
LOL you’re jealous of the wrong one! 😉
Having been on both sides of this game I can empathize with the need for companionship and the feeling that you’re doing something you shouldn’t be. But hey you can’t argue with the Isleys.
The Isleys are the truth! LOL
When you are married and have kids, it is very complicated. You know that “more” is out there, but it is unfair to drag another person into your situation and have them be your “right” that makes up for the “wrong.” The “other person” deserves to have someone who is 100% into them and not be some “side piece” or some form of escape for the crappy relationship the other person is in. It has been a painful realization for me as I have been through it. You, of course, have to do what is right for you and make a decision you can live with. It is not easy, I know. As human nature dictates, the heart wants what it wants…
I married the default. That’s far worse, especially after 12 years. Hurts more than you could ever imagine. Hurts for the fact that your entire being has loved the same person for all this time. Hurts because you thought the default would be okay. Things will be great. Nope. It’s not. Hurts because you know in your heart default deserves better than this. Love is a son of a bitch.
^^^ ITA^^^ Or if you fall in love with someone else, but you have no right to love them because you made a commitment to someone else. The someone else was supposed to be the soul mate, but your feelings have changed because they turned out to be a jerk, but the person you are in love with is happy with someone who is free to love them. But they made you feel like you have never felt before, nor ever again. That really hurts–the guilt and the feeling that you will never, ever feel that alive again.
great posts, as usual—i hope you remember me–i’m the otha sistah sistah with the scrapbooking creativeness goin on—i miss ya gurl—stop by and see me sometimes–remain blessed