It’s Friday afternoon and I dip out of the office early with no real concrete plans for the weekend. I cannot begine to express just how happy I am to see this day. My moods swings this week have almost meant the death of 2 Dell customer service reps, random people in traffic, my sister, my “piece”…hell, just about anyone with whom I came into contact. Nope. It wasn’t a good week.
I stop at my neighborhood Publix to pick up a few things before heading to the crib and veggin’ out. First stop is the bakery where, to my utter disgust, a fly is having his way inside the donut case. Shimmying his nasty ass around that blueberry bagel. BUZZZ…BUZZZZ! Uuuggghhhh! No late night donuts for me.
After informing the baker of the FLY situation, I head to the case with the “covered & sealed” pies and grab a piece of key lime pie.
I make my way to the back of the store to the seafood department to order my Alaskan King crab steamed with Old Bay seasoning. While I’m waiting my turn, I notice a family of four with the youngest being a baby no more than 1 or 2 years old and from what I can see, a special needs child. The older child is about 13 years old and he’s entertaining the baby with a ball. The baby throws the ball and screams while the teen runs to retrieve the ball. This goes on about 3 or 4 times until the mom shuts it down to the apparent disapproval of the baby who begins to scream and grunt…very loudly.
The following dialogue plays out in my head:
Evil Chocl8t: Ain’t nothing worse than somebody’s screamin ass funny looking child on a Friday evening in the grocery store. Somebody puhleeeze make this shyt stop!!!
Angel Chocl8t: Oh God please forgive me! Ya know that could be me one day with a “special child” and all seeing as though I’m 41 and haven’t had any kids yet. Focus on something else…something positive. Turn around and check out the seafood dishes in the display behind you and pray for your sin sick soul…..Our father, which art in heaven, hallowed be thy…..crab n corn chowder? I bet that tastes good.
As I turn back to face the seafood display case, a guy approaches me and following conversation ensues: (note that Evil Chocl8t’s voice resides in my head wreaking havoc)
Random Guy: What am I cooking for you tonight? (he’s smiling coyly)
Evil Chocl8t: NOT A GATDAYUM THANG…NOW STEP THE HELL OFF FOOL!!
Angel Chocl8t: Uuhh, I don’t let perfect strangers cook for me.
Random Guy: Well if you knew my name, I wouldn’t be a “perfect stranger”. (eyebrows raised as if he’s waiting for me to ask)
Evil Chocl8t: That wasn’t code numb-nuts. Uuuggghh! (I’m sure my right eyebrow is raised cause my head is cocked to the side)
Random Guy: Houston. My name is Houston. Now we’re no longer perfect strangers. (He’s still smiling)
Evil Chocl8t: Are you freakin kidding me?!! You corny ass corn ball!!!
Angel Chocl8t: Nice to meet you Houston. (I force a laugh)
I place my order with the clerk. I glance at the contents of his buggy…cat food, cat litter, several other pet related items for the cat I’m sure.
Random Guy: See you should let me cook for you tonight. I’ve gotta feed my cat. Yes, I have a cat, 2 in fact, and I’m buying some seafood to cook. It drives them crazy. The smell that is…watch the Falcons and chill.
Angel Chocl8t: Uhmmm, no I think I’ll pass.
Evil Chocl8t: CATS?!!! KNEEGROW YOU HAVE TWO FREAKIN CATS?!! O’HELL NAWL!! I’m sure those gatdayum cats are on your kitchen counters right now leaving their lil’ nasty cat hair, licking the utensils and their private parts, lapping up water from the faucet, spraying their nasty fluids everywhere, and coughing up fur balls!! AND….AND you’re trying to cook for some dayum body? You done lost your evah lovin mind!!!!
Finally, I get my crablegs and I turn to leave when “Houston” hands me an old movie stub with his number scribbled on it asking me to call.
Evil Chocl8t: Don’t take that dayum number. You know dayum well you’re not calling this Bama..besides….we don’t do no gatdayum CATS!!!
Random Guy: Oh…and I’m not married.
Angel Chocl8t: Ha-ha…okay.
Evil Chocl8t: Don’t really give a shiiiiiid cause I’m not callin your busted corny ass aneeee waaaayy!! AND….I DON’T DO GATDAYUM CATS!!!!!!
It’s no wonder my evil ass is still single!!