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When An Apology Really Isn’t An Apology

I was on my way to church and there were two cars ahead of me in the turning lane Sunday morning. The pickup truck was #2 in line, the Protoge’, #1.  The arrow turns green and it takes Car #1 at least 30 seconds to proceed but not before I honk my horn.

We’re now on the two lane street, all three vehicles that were at the light. The pickup truck driver has had enough of the slow poke driving Miss Daisy and passes car #1 illegally. Yes, I followed suit.

No biggie. Done deal. At least that’s what I thought until I pull into the church parking lot and park.

olivebranch“You really don’t want that truck, do you?”, she says loudly. “Excuse me?”, I respond with a puzzled look on my face wondering why my fellow choir member is asking me this bizarre question.

She proceeds, “Had I been a police officer, I could have pulled you over“. It then clicks…it was her in Car #1whom I had passed a few minutes earlier. “Oh, had you been a cop, I wouldn’t have passed you“, I respond with my smart-assed tone reserved for such incidents where I’m being chastised by someone who has overstepped the line.

Head tilted to the side, I just look in disbelief  as girlfriend continues to chastise me about my driving. I said nothing but I am certain the look on my face read “Bitch, please.” For once in my recent memory, I held my tongue. However, I was pissed but I decided to let it go. I wasn’t going to let the incident ruin my morning.

Later in the afternoon I check my email only to see a message from miss choir member lady. She was attempting to apologize but it fell short. If your apology to me includes a “But”, it really isn’t an apology but rather an attempt to justify your disrespectful behavior.

From: ****
Subject: With Love
To: Chocl8t
Date: Sunday, May 3, 2009, 8:37 AM

Chocl8t, First of all I want to say I apologize for blasting you out in front of my passenger. As I drove up I and saw your face before you saw mine and I could see that you were troubled. Please don’t let your mind be so preoccupied that it takes you away from the real deal.

First of all, I was not “troubled”. I was only preoccupied with getting around your slow driving ass.  Here it is..the “But“…

Wait for it…wait for it…

That red truck had been pushing me for awhile and if they had waited at least another 10 seconds I would have pulled over in a safe area and the both of you could have passed. I don’t have a problem bowing down. I would rather bow down than to buck up. Bucking up takes the situation father than you had plan to go.

So in essence, your were already pissed off with the driver of the truck and since you couldn’t get to him I was next in line. You didn’t approach me “With Love” as the email was titled. Your ass needed to vent and I was available.

When I saw your car and license plate I thought back to our conversation at D**** Studios. You said, “You really wish you did not have that truck.” I thought to myself she really meant that because Chocl8t is driving that truck like she does not want it.

Nooo, that isn’t what I said. I said it wasn’t the most sound financial decision I made. But I love my truck. Everyone who knows me, knows I LOVE MY TRUCK. But I understand how you couldn’t quite recall that conversation with accuracy at the moment because you were PISSY with the truck driver and me for passing your Driving Miss Daisy ass a few minutes earlier.

Be careful baby. You don’t want to lose the truck and a limb or your pretty face or your life trying to get some where fast. I am just ministering to you with love.

Sincerely,
S*** M***

Save your spiritual in the name of Jesus line for someone who can’t recognize bullshit when she sees it. Oh, and I’m not your dayum ‘baby’.

And another thing…stop trying to hide behind God and Jesus with your shitty behavior. He sees you and so does everyone else.

MmmKayThanks. Buh-bye.

Random Ramblings – 4/14/2009

overloadHere are a few things that have been going on with me or what I’ve been thinking about.

  • Being tired,  fatigued, and horny made a girl very, very irritable on yesterday. A good night’s rest remedied most of what ailed me.  Most. Not all.
  • Something most may not know about me is that I get bored very easily. I tend to lose interest in persons/places/things if I’m not cerebrally challenged or intrigued. Please don’t be offended. It is, what it is.
  • Yes. I’m a nerdy girl. I admit it.  Deal with it. Embrace it. Accept me for what I am.
  • I really hate that I’m digging you…feeling you like I am. I hear your voice, a nice melodic tenor, and I, I….feel some kind of way.  So, what do I do? Gotta get it in check. Slow my roll and never let ’em see you sweat. NEVER.
  • “Slowly. Surely. I walk away from that old desperate and tainted love” – Jill Scott.  After knowing you over 7 years it time for me to let it go. For good. No more reaching out in my weakest moments, feeling vulnerable and frustrated, looking for something that feels comfortable. Besides…I don’t even like you anymore.
  • I am having a hard time understanding the piracy problems in the Somalian territory? Arm the crews, shoot on site. BLAST THEIR ASSES! Period. Donald Trump actually said the same thing this morning on GMA. You know hell is about to freeze over when I find myself agreeing with that dude.
  • I’ve had several conversations with different friends on marriage, specifically why I’ve decided that isn’t what I want for my life. I no longer feel that marriage and children will magically make me happy. Finally, I’m no longer buying into the Cinderella hype. You know, where the prince will ride in on his white stallion and save me from everything. *coughBULLSHITcough* The following paragraph is a girlfriend’s response to a group of people badgering her about marriage. 

 “People act like getting married is sooo hard. I can go to the gas station today and pick up a husband. I’ve never had trouble getting a man. But getting married isn’t the issue, staying married is. Women act like getting married is the best thing to ever happen. But that’s only if you marry the right man for you…..Not the man of your dreams, but the best life partner. Not the highest bidder or the only buyer. Nobody can complete you if your half a person. If being married is so great, why is it half the population is divorced? If you think about it realistically, given the statistics, half of you in this room if you haven’t been divorced will be in the future. Why would I rush towards that? If women would stop being so desperate they could find happiness in themselves.”

::Crickets Chirping::

I’ll let you marinate on that for a while! 😉

Zest For Life!!

I have been watching a lot of TV and movies. There are a couple of shows that I am totally addicted to. TOTALLY.

My most favorite guilty pleasure is Big Love (HBO). A series centered around a Mormon polygamist family. It has everything! Love, sex, comedy, drama and some pretty twisted characters. The third season ended last Sunday and I am already feeling withdrawal pains! UGH!

Another HBO series I love is True Blood. A new season starts this summer!! Aah Sookie-sookie now! 😉

altonbrownI find myself bouncing between The Food Channel and The Travel Channel. Traveling to beautiful exotic locations and enjoying good food. Can’t go wrong with either option! My favorite shows are Ace of Cakes, Iron Chef America, Good Eats (Alton Brown is a nerdy geek and I LOVE nerdy geeks – AY CARUMBA!!), Paula Dean, and Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations.

I can watch these shows all day, every day. But I have an idea that I would like to pitch to one of the cable networks.

At 42, I have a list of things I want to do before I die, a Bucket List sorta, kinda but not really, cause I’m not dying anytime soon. I hope. I pray. 

Maybe I’ll take a video camera to document this beautiful, fabulous, forty something, fit n flirty, African American female fulfilling her Zest For Life list! Oooh, there’s the pitch! Then viewers can submit an item from their own  ZFL list and challenge me to do it. The twist is if I choose their challenge, they’re coming along too!! Cool huh?

greatbarrierreefWhat’s on my list? Glad you asked! 😉

  • Skydiving  – I’ve been told it can be a life changing event or life ending depending on the outcome! LOL
  • Horseback riding – probably not a big deal for the majority of people but for me, uh, not so much. My first experience on a horse was at age 7 and I panicked. Freak the hell out! Kicking and screaming and begging my grandfather to get me off that dayum thing. Prince, the horse, just looked at me like I had lost my mind. I guess I did. Haven’t been on a horse since. I both love and fear what I think to be the most beautiful creature on this earth!
  • White Water rafting – Looks like a good adrenaline rush!
  • Skiing in Colorado
  • Camping in the Florida Keys on the beach – something to be done with a male-homey-lover friend. Though, we might have to leave the cameras at home. 😉
  • Diving in the Great Barrier Reef in Australia

Do you have a Bucket List? If so, what are a few items on your list?

A Quest for Peace

57600020I’ve been absent for a while. In that time I haven’t written, not even in my private personal journal. Not that a lot of shit hasn’t gone on that I could have vented about, but I just felt the need to be quiet. To be…”still”.

As some of you know, last summer I opened my home to close friend who was, and still is, in a transitional period in her life. Divorce and bankruptcy knocked her on her butt and left her in a state of depression. She displayed all the classic symptoms of depression but after an intervention with couple of close friends, she’s in counseling and living with another close friend until she gets on her feet.

The friend is gone and I have my space back to myself. Yes Laawwd!

In the time she was living with me I learned a few things about myself which was kind of hard to admit. For example, I LIKE LIVING ALONE. What can I say? I like my space. Being able to walk around partially clad or butt ass butt nekkid was taken for granted before having a ‘house guest’ but now I take every opportunity to do so. In fact, I’m typing this in the nude sitting on my sofa! 😀

Things are back to normal. Same ole, same ole. Status quo. Yet, not so.

brevillejuicerI’ve been having a series of conversations with a male friend on the benefits of juice fasting and detoxification. He has done it several times and touts how great he feels, how healthy. Through reading and researching I’ve learned that it is a good way to kick certain food addictions, such as sugar, and can provide mental clarity. So, I bought a juicer and have begun phasing the fasting into my routine and believe me when I tell you, it isn’t easy, even with the juice. IT. IS. HARD!

Why am I attempting to fast? Glad you asked. 😉

My reasons are more spiritural than physical. I’ve been the very obstacle that’s been keeping me from reaching my goals and getting what I want. Past hurts have left my confidence depleted and I want it back. I have fears which have manifested into this wall and I have not been able to let it down, get around it, nor have I allowed anyone beyond a certain point. 

I want to get out of the way and I need and want that mental clarity. A girlfriend described it perfectly as a “quest for peace“.

Let the journey begin!