Holding back has never been my forte’. With those whom I trust, respect, and love, I am an open book. I share, with exuberance, my life which often times include my private thoughts and emotions – my heart.
There is no mystery. What you see is indeed what you get. It is who I am. I see no need for pretense.
Not everyone I meet, or know, is the same nor can they appreciate this fact about me. I find it hard, tedious even, trying to balance it all out – what I should reveal and what I should keep hidden within. Should I put all the cards on the table or play my hand close to the chest. It is a fine delicate line that I want to smudge, erase, and do away with completely. But alas, it is often times necessary to keep interest piqued. It is a game I have found difficulty mastering.
Painful is the only way to describe the conversation. Speaking to her on the matter and attempting to engage her in dialogue on a topic she initiated was nothing short of painful.
In recent months I have stepped away from “organized religion”(..uh..the “church“) for various reasons, none of which I will get into with this posting. This, much to the chagrin of my radical for Christ, neck deep in “the Word”, at church on Wednesday, Thursday, and Sunday close friends.
“I need you to be back in church next Sunday. This sabbatical of yours is over.” she says. “Actually, it isn’t”, I reply.
I assure her I still believe in God but I am not sure the form my “worshipping” will take on. I give her one reason for my departure and how this, and other issues, have gnawed at me for a very long time and I could no longer reconcile my actions and beliefs.
Nothing. Vacant. Vapid. Flat.
After another attempt to get a response, I change the subject and she comes alive again.
Like I said before…painful.