It has long been said that you don’t mess with a person’s money, children, or food. In these volatile and uncertain economic times, there is no truer statement, believe me!

Today is the 15th and like millions of other Americans whose payday falls on the 15th and the last day of the month, I was expecting to see my money in my account this morning when I logged in. Well, to my surprise the funds were not there.

At first this didn’t cause any alarm but rather I stood there staring at my laptop thinking “Wait. Today is the 15th right?”.  I confirmed that it was by checking the date on my Blackberry.

Aiiiight. I’m still not “upset” because it is 5am and the memo credits may not have reflected yet on the accounts. This sometimes happens and funds do not show up until around 8am or so. (I know this from having worked in banking for a long time) I will wait until I get to work and check my account again.

During the drive in several other scenarios played out in my head as to why my direct deposit hadn’t hit. I began to go into troubleshooting mode once I arrived to the office and asked a co-worker if he had DD and if it posted to his account. His response was yes he did and no, it had not. Next question was who did he bank with, to make sure it wasn’t a banking institution issue. Different bank.

Ok. WTH is going on here?

I immediately head to HR with my concerns where a perky little blonde girl proceeds tells me, “We’re aware of the issue and are working to resolve the issue“. “When do you expect it to be resolved“, I ask. She then gives me this nonsense that she doesn’t know anything and the HR Director will send an email shortly.

In a nutshell, our payroll processing company, ADP, screwed up and are working to get employees paycheck deposited before midnight tonight. This prompted my next question regarding NSF fees for those automatic drafts set up with a couple of creditors. I’m assured by HR, ADP will cover all fees incurred as a result of their “f**k up”.

However, this does very little putting me at ease with the situation but I haven’t gone ballistic, just yet. Well, not until I receive this message from the payroll manager (pay close attention to the bold underlined text):

From:
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:03 AM
To:
Cc:
Subject: RE: Direct Deposit- First Payroll of the year

Chocl8t,

We are working with ADP to get the funds into accounts as quickly as possible. If possible, you may want to consider contacting your bank or creditors to try and put those direct drafts off for a day to ensure your funds are there. If this is not possible, please submit any NSF fees incurred to me at your earliest convenience and I will work with ADP to get them covered. 

Uhmmmm, nah beoyatch…I DON’T THINK SO!!  Being the person I am and having to let a heffa know when she’s being absolutely freakin ridiculous with her suggestions, I had to respond. HAD. TO!! But I had to wait a few minutes to compose myself or else the email would have simply read “BITCH, PLEASE!”.

From: Chocl8t
Sent: Thursday, January 15, 2009 10:21 AM
To: xxx
Subject: RE: Direct Deposit- First Payroll of the year

xxx,

I appreciate your attempt at trying to help with suggestions but that would add a bigger burden and, not to mention, more inconvenience to an already stressful situation. I would have to spend several hours on the phone with my bank and/or creditors to avoid a huge error to which I bare no fault.

Let’s hope XXX and ADP can resolve this issue promptly without further inconvenience.

I plan to make headlines if my money doesn’t show up soon, so don’t be surprised if you hear on the news about a little short black woman in Georgia going ape-shit crazy on a stupid wench.

AMGs lyrics keep ringin in my head………..”B**ch betta have my money”