I debated whether or not I should write about this woman because, well…she’s old. But to hell with her because she ruined my dayum day while at the same time burning out  my nose hairs. By the time I’m through with this post though, it will be to hell with ME  in my gasoline soaked Victoria’s Secret thongs.

Sunday afternoon in the gym went from funny to foul and FONKY in a matter of 3o minutes.

It’s called flatulence or ASS ROTT!

I arrive at my local gym and head to the upper level to begin my 60 minute workout on the stairmaster. Yep. It was cardio day!! The gym was relatively empty for a Sunday afternoon and there are several machines from which to choose. I select one. To my left is a vacant stairmaster then a young lady. To my right, another empty machine and then a little old lady who looked like Maxine, and that is what I will call her henceforth.

When I mount the stairmaster, I can’t help but chuckle aloud because Maxine is humming or singing loudly to the music playing in her ear via headphones. Seriously though, I’m being generous when I say singing because it sounded more like a cat in heat. Or as if she had fallen down a flight a stairs and was moaning in pain…and nothing audible like “Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up“. Nope. Painful, awful moans.

Maxine continues to “sing” and I continue to giggle because I can still hear her over my music pumping through my headphones. She managed to break through and over the Chingy, T.I., and Ludacris in my ears. Maxine was so loud that the young lady to my left heard her also and she giggled just as I did. However, she had managed to leave before Maxine “blessed” me with her next *ahem* “act”.

Gas Face

Twenty eight minutes into my workout I get a whif of what can only be described as…as….”Ass Rot“. I grab my towel to place over my nose and look around with that “W.T.F is that” expression. Was that? Is that? Maxine? OMIGAAAWWWDDD!!! Did she just poop her pink sweat pants? Surely I’m going to see a brown stain slowly make it’s appearance around her butt!! SURELY!

The stain didn’t appear but the poop could not be too far behind. Maybe it (the poop)  stepped to the side in the anal canal to let the air make it’s way by. Like the air said “Excuse me, but I’m next out the hole. Pardon me.”

Sweet Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!! This is the most awful smell I have ever encountered. EVERRRRRRR!! To make it worst….it lingered and lingered…..like…like, forever!!!

I couldn’t get off that dayum machine fast enough and grab my belongings!!! I ran over to the area where the treadmills were and finished my workout with a 15 minute run/walk all the time giving good ol’ Maxine a mean side-eye.

Now there have been a time or two where I’ve cut the cheese and had to give myself the gas face all the while asking “da hell did you eat girl?” But never, ever has it been in a public place. NEVERRRRR!!

Flats…come getchyo momma!!! She stanking up LA Fitness!!!!!! (inside joke, sorry)