Chocl8t Ramblings

Traveling Sisterhood of the Expats

“Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

There was an interesting post in a Facebook group to which I am a member, “Expat Women of Color”. This is a group that is “designed to educate and provide resources for women of color who desire to or are currently living abroad”.

The post read as follows:

In your cities do other black folk that you meet give you a welcome smile or avert their eyes? I’m a born and raised Southerner whose parents passed at ages 77 and 89. That’s to let you in on how old school I was raised. It really hurts me when a sister or brother will look in every direction except at me when our paths meet. I see Filipinos embrace and travel in packs but sustahs gotta ‘pledge’ you before they befriend in many cases. After they do befriend, we are great pals, but the initial is a trip. i try to be the change that i wanna see but it gets old. Wow… Off my soapbox now.

176636455The responses were overwhelmingly supportive with the majority of women expressing sadness for her experience and sharing their own experiences. I have had similar experiences while travelling, most recently on a trip to Cancun with my mother.

I love seeing other people of color when I travel, especially black women. It makes me happy to know they are expanding their horizons and decided to venture outside of their little corners of the world. I try to make eye contact, smile and say hello but on more than one occasion, the responses were less than friendly and bordered on rude. Either they avert their eyes or give me the “why are you speaking to me” look, which sometimes presents itself as a disdainful grunt. It almost always leaves me puzzled.

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Life with Lola – The Beginning

After months of weighing the pros and cons and how it would affect my lifestyle, I have adopted a dog. Her name is Lola and she is a 4-year old Boxer.

me_and_LolaI want to thank the amazing volunteers at Atlanta Boxer Rescue who are committed to saving these wonderful animals from a certain death, nursing them back to health and placing them with families who will love them for the rest of their lives. I want to specifically thank Terry E. (adoption coordinator) and Jennifer S. (Lola’s, formerly named Dora, foster). You guys ROCK!!

Lola is the first dog I’ve owned as an adult and I was somewhat anxious about it. The last dog I lived with on a daily basis was my dad’s Irish Setter, Kelly, when I was 10 years old and my dad allowed me to walk him alone at night in our neighborhood.

On her first day with me, Lola paced the floors for about an hour before she settled in front of the television. With some prompting from me, she went into her crate for the first time. Now she goes in the crate on her own. She walks well on her leash looking back to make sure I’m still there and if she gets too far ahead of me, a slight tug on the leash will prompt her to come back to my side.

The only information about Lola’s past I have is that she was owner surrendered after her last litter of puppies. However, her reaction to certain things leads me to believe there may have been some abuse by her previous owner(s).

IMAG0289On our walk yesterday morning, I stumbled and tripped bumping into her as I was regaining my balance. The way she ran from me, cowering with her tail tucked, broke my heart. Immediately I got on my knees to comfort and reassure her she was safe. slowly she stopped trembling but she was on edge for the entire walk.

Just this morning, I was petting her while I was sitting on the sofa when I feel something near the top of her head. I reach to move the lamp closer for better lighting. As I lift the lamp, she cowers again and attempted to retreat.

This little girl will need lots of love and reassurance that whatever happened in her past is never going to happen again.

On a more positive note, I got her to sit on command this morning using positive reinforcement with some doggy treats. YAAAYY for Lola!!

Another milestone, mines and not hers…I had to pick up her poop for the first time on our walk last night. YIKES!! The key to me doing this without losing my lunch is to disconnect completely from the task. But maaaan, look…nothing quite prepares you for the warm mushy feel through the plastic. NOTHING!!!

Yeah. Welcome to pet ownership!!

Although we’re only three days into it, I am happy with Lola and I am positive this is the beginning of a very rewarding experience for both me and Lola!

Turn the Page

I don’t like change. It scares me. The irony here is that I am always striving to learn new things and I believe knowledge is the precursor to growth and you can’t grow without changing.

Over the years, I have made a point to perform a “self inventory”. I take a look at my whole being, surveying what works and what doesn’t and make changes, improvements, and adjustments accordingly. I am not the same person I was five years ago nor even one year ago.

growthGrowth, to me, means movement, motion. Merriam Webster defines change as “progressive development, evolution“. So, if I seek knowledge which leads to growth, i.e. movement, why do I not like change and why do I have such a difficult time with it?

I get used to the routine an the comfort that comes from that routine. I know what to expect. Being comfortable can also lead to complacency and stagnation. This applies to my daily routine, things on the job, and in my personal relationships.

My initial response to change is to resist it kicking and screaming thus creating unnecessary tension and turmoil within and sometimes, externally. However, upon acceptance, I look around and think to myself, “hey, this isn’t so bad”.

A close personal long-term relationship has changed and I am at, what I hope to be, the tail end of my “resistance” phase. I recognized the change the moment it happened. I had a revelation and had I listened to the initial prompting to let it go at that moment, I would not have lamented about it as I have for the past year.

turnthepage1Because of my own personal growth, I knew that I no longer fit into this relationship and nor did it fit within my life. The purpose of our pairing had been met and the season was over but I did not want to let go. As a result I imprisoned myself by holding on and trying to force the relationship to remain where I wanted it to be.

Tension, turmoil, resentment, and anger soon followed. Slowly, acceptance has come.

Today, I have made the choice to stop crying over something that is dead and to stop trying to resurrect it. I have also made the decision to stop resisting and not be afraid of change as it manifests in my life but to embrace it, knowing it is the result of growth or even the precursor to it.

Today, I have made the choice to turn the page. And who knows…tomorrow just might be the day I look around and think to myself…hey, this isn’t so bad.

I Forgive You – An Open Letter to The Molester

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

Forgiving you is the most selfish, self-serving, self-centered thing I will do in a long time. It’s long overdue and I should have done this for myself years ago.

I forgive you for snatching from me my childhood innocence with your perversion and forcing me to participate in things of which no child should ever have knowledge.

For years I kept the dark painful secret of your abuse out of fear, guilt, and shame. Afraid because I thought I did something wrong and would be punished and then the fear that no one would believe me. Ashamed because I felt dirty and tainted. Guilty because I thought that somehow it was my fault and I should have known better and stopped it.

forgivenessThese feelings were complicated and twisted all the more with your proclamation that I was your “favorite niece” whom you showered with gifts. Little did I know that these were nothing more than mere bribes to keep me silent.

And silent I remained unit that fateful day when I could no longer suppress it as it forced its way to the surface like a foul bile. It was at that moment when, in my early 20s, I knew…I felt that if I didn’t tell it, the toxicity would kill me.

When I finally told my mom, VMH, and my boyfriend I wept, no, sobbed uncontrollably. It was if a huge weight had been lifted and I felt a sense of freedom. However, with that freedom was short-lived because there was anger. An anger so intense that the mention of your name left me entertaining thoughts of killing you. And even though I felt a measure of freedom, or relief, I imprisoned those with whom I shared this dark secret by making them promise never to tell a soul, specifically, Mother (Mudda) and my daddy.

I could not bare the thought of Mudda not believing me because after all, you were her son, her blood. Equally, or even more so unfathomable would have been my daddy’s heartbreak. I truly believe, as does every family member, had I told him, you would be dead and he would have spent the rest of his life in prison. Both of my beloveds went to their graves never knowing the foul things you did to me. I would say ‘you could thank me later’, but I did not do it to protect you, but rather to protect them.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I took the next step on this journey to freedom by releasing those who knew from that vow of silence. I was tired of keeping your nasty little secret…the molester, the abuser. I was tired of the unwarranted shame for I had nothing of which to be ashamed. It was a burden I was no longer willing to carry.

This allowed me to share my story with a cousin and to my horror she admitted that she too had been victimized by you. I was overwhelmed with first sadness and again guilt for not being strong enough to speak up sooner – maybe it would have spared her. Unrealistic expectations to have a 6 year old child to be someone else’s savior.

Here I stand in this final stretch of my journey having peeled away and shaken off the fear, guilt, and shame; having let go of the anger, ready and able to forgive you. By doing so, what you’ve done to me no longer controls me. Forgiving you frees me from the fear, guilt, shame, and anger.

This forgiveness is not an invitation to re-enter my life for there will never be a place for you there. I do, however, wish you well.

Sincerely,
Chocl8t

 

 

Another Year, Another Chance

It’s been one hell of a year full of change, loss and personal growth.

Over the course of the last 365 days, I have felt as if I were on top of the world, feeling lucky and fortunate knowing what the universe had made possible at that very moment. There were also a couple of times of feeling very low, wondering how could things have gotten to that point…it left me doubting myself and questioning my judgment.

This year taught me that change is good and despite my initial reactions of resistance, panic, and fear it is usually always for the best.

2013

As I look ahead to the new year, I will not make resolutions – I stopped doing that years ago. I will, however, continue to do the necessary self-inventory in order to achieve personal growth and work towards the goals I have set.

I will continue to love, honor and respect those I consider friends, who treat me the same, and I will no longer make people and relationships a priority when they are no longer doing the same.

Since personal growth is a never ending task, there are aspects of my personality which are always “under construction” and I do not see it being any different in the new year, although I am striving for significant progress.

There are other changes I am making to my daily life and routine, none of which I feel the need to announce but I find them necessary…very necessary.

So here’s to 2013!

Another year full of change, loss, and personal growth.

Another chance to get it right.