The revelation of underlying insecurities have given me pause and forced me to look within. Recent changes in the workplace have left me feeling undermined by a particularly ambitious individual. Ironic because I do not want the role I was asked to assume and also, I am actively seeking employment elsewhere.
Since I have been on this gig, I have found myself stressing about whether my skills, talents, and contributions are valued and if a certain someone is gunning to make me obsolete to the team. This stress has negatively affected my sleep and appetite.
One thing I have come to realize though is that this leadership role, specifically within this context, is not what I want. Leadership and management are glorified babysitting positions and I am not diplomatic, nor tactful, in my delivery when telling people to get their shit together. I am perfectly fine with being a technical writer and crafting processes, policies, and procedures around how documentation services interact with the various business units. I am fine with pursuing other opportunities that will allow me to expand and grow in my craft.
I have come to realize that at the root of this stress induced anxiety is insecurity surrounding my writing and the nagging insidious thoughts that I am not enough or even worthy. I have not convinced myself that I am a “good” writer in spite of the feedback that affirms that I am far better than just “good”. Just recently over the holidays, a friend shared with me, and a group of women, that she and her husband actually read my work and he thinks that I am a “prolific writer”. I am still stunned with disbelief and struggling to not just accept it as truth but also own it.
How do I fully walk in in this gift if I am unable to see it myself?
How do I drown out the small yet loud and convincing voice in my head that says otherwise?
How do I get to the root of this insecurity and weed it out permanently?
Why I am feeling threatened on this job and why do I even care? Is it pride or ego? It’s probably both to be perfectly honest.
I’m afraid I have more questions than answers at the moment but I refuse to stop until I see my way through this. Until the moment I stop doubting myself and look at my work and say confidently…I did that!
I’ve been absent for a while. In that time I haven’t written, not even in my private personal journal. Not that a lot of shit hasn’t gone on that I could have vented about, but I just felt the need to be quiet. To be…”still”.
I’ve been having a series of conversations with a male friend on the benefits of juice fasting and detoxification. He has done it several times and touts how great he feels, how healthy. Through reading and researching I’ve learned that it is a good way to kick certain food addictions, such as sugar, and can provide mental clarity. So, I bought a juicer and have begun phasing the fasting into my routine and believe me when I tell you, it isn’t easy, even with the juice. IT. IS. HARD!
I Am Chocl8t 