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Through Loss, More Gains

The heart is the locus of physical and spiritual being, and represents the “central wisdom of feeling as opposed to the head-wisdom of reason” (Cooper, 82). It is compassion and understanding, life-giving and complex. It is a symbol for love. Often known as the seat of emotions, the heart is synonymous with affection.
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For years I avoided the symbol and held a quiet disdain for it. This was rooted in my dislike for Valentine’s Day which is, coincidently, my birthday. Dislike? It was more like I hated it. Up until about the age of 10, every year I would have a heart-shaped birthday cake. After that, I asked my mother to stop with heart-shaped cakes.

My hatred of the holiday presents the conundrum of all conundrums because it is also my birthday. Oh, I can hear you now, “Ooooh, that’s so sweet. A Valentine’s baby“. SAVE IT! The sh*t blows worse than an Beluga whale…worse than a hooker on Stewart Avenue (the ho strip in Atlanta)…worse than Vivica Fox…worse than, ah hell, you get the point. (Valentine’s Day)

I can’t say that my stance on the holiday has changed but I am now drawn to its symbolic icon – the heart.

According to K. Ferlic’s “Symbolism of the Heart”, the heart is metaphorically used to represent four interconnected things:

  • the resting place for the creative spirit
  • the source of the flow of our creative life energy
  • the location for the intention for our life, for aligning with the flow of energy aligns us with that intention
  • it represents the dream we wish to manifest

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Over the past five years or more, I have been on a journey of emotional, spiritual and professional growth. On this journey I have experienced some significant losses that resulted in heartache. The death of a long-time friend, with whom I had lost contact over the years, was the impetus of reconnecting with an old crew of friends. Friendships changed or shifted and much like how it feels when the ground shakes beneath you during an earthquake, it left me “shook”.

Some of those losses were necessary in order to remove/eliminate negative energy and unhealthy attachments that were impeding my growth.

Through loss, more gains.

After 12 years of service with an employer, I was laid off. Although I had been expecting it to happen for more than a few years, I still experienced the normal anxiety wondering how long it would take to find new employment. However, I started a new gig with more and expanding responsibilities, a significant salary increase, and a new beautifully blossoming sisterhood/friendship has emerged.

Through loss, more gains.

textgram_1508588375Writing for my blog and personal journaling became virtually non-existent. My creativity suffered during this time and initially I blamed it on my presence on social media. Post on the “book of faces” and 140 character tweets became my outlet. I was compelled to reflect on how I was contributing to the negative energy I so often complained about being so prevalent on social media.

I have either muted myself completely or significantly reduced my presence on the platforms opting instead to go within. As a result, I have been journaling regularly and the desire to express my creativity through writing is growing more by the day.

Through loss, more gains.

This going within and re-centering, this “getting to the heart of the matter” has manifested itself, subconsciously, in the symbol to which I have found myself drawn. A quick scan of my Instagram page is evident of just that.

If K. Ferlic’s assertions are true that the heart represents the resting place for creative spirit, the source of the flow of creative life energy, the location for the intention for our lives, and the representation of the dream we wish to manifest, then in my using the heart as my logo, I have come full circle.

Everything that has happened has served its purpose in directing me back to the source.

I’ll end it here with two quotes, one from a very close friend.

“The universe brings you shit and takes shit away…remember that…there is a reason for it all. Sometimes it’s not on you to dictate where/when/how you grow.” – TDV

“What you seek is seeking you.” – Rumi

I’m home and that’s where the heart is.

Grateful. Thankful. Joyful

23823733_138888600215765_3100894069052669952_nI mark the beginning of this holiday season full of gratitude. Grateful for my family, blood and chosen, old friends and new, each of whom love me in their own way as much as love them.

Grateful for the privilege of having known and loved friends that didn’t live to see this day. Derek S. and Priscilla S. – may your souls find rest in the hereafter knowing how much you were loved.

Grateful for this peach and contentment that has enveloped me like a warm blanket.

Grateful.

Thankful.

Joyful.

I wish the same for you.

Dee Rees’ “Mudbound” – Same Story, Different Location

“Satisfying and compelling” – K. Austin Collins, The Ringer

“gorgeous digital cinematography…deserving to be seen on the big screen.” Simran Hans, The Guardian

“The story is centered on racism, on the fears, the humiliation, the terror, and the violence inflicted upon black people in the south by whites.” – Richard Brody, The New Yorker

In the name of art, the trauma of Black souls and bodies is yet again the focal point of the critically acclaimed film, Mudbound. Writing beyond this sentence has proven to be quite difficult for me.

Expressing the complicated emotions that bubbled up as I watched the story unfold has proven to be no easy task. A story told repeatedly over the years. A story that Hollywood apparently never gets tired of telling but one that many Black Americans (i.e. ME) are sick and tired of seeing. A story where Black Americans are under the thumb and heavy boot heels of white America forced to choose between dignity and life. A story where, more often times than not, a white savior is always present because of course, “not all white folks”. A story that film critics fall all over themselves to reward with praise and accolades. (The Guardian 4 stars; Rotten Tomatoes 97%/5 stars; RogerEbert.com 4/5 stars; IGN.com 9.1/10)

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I do not consider myself a film critic nor did I major in cinematography so I can’t speak to the technical aspects of the photography, editing, lighting, etc. Having never acted a day in my life, I will spare you my opinions on the performances given by the talented thespians. Save to say that I forgot Mary J. Blige was Mary J. Blige. Whether to attribute that to her mastery of the craft, the compelling story, or my state of mind I have yet to determine.

As with the slave narrative, I can go the rest of my life without seeing another movie where Black people are subjected to physical and emotional trauma at the hands of white people, where Black men and women are forced to choose between their dignity and their lives as well as those of their loved ones. On more than one occasion, you see this play out in the movie.

  • The young black soldier just returning home from his WWII tour of duty in Germany faced with the unbridled hatred of an older white man who reminds him of his place.
  • The black sharecropper with a broken leg under doctor’s orders to stay off his feet for 6-8 weeks who is pressured into leasing a mule from his white landlord farmer/boss in order to plant seed immediately.
  • The black mother whose assistance is demanded to care for the white children with whooping cough and subsequently offered a job to cook, clean and care for the children when she has no inclination to leave her own family – as if she actually has the choice to decline without repercussion.

Ever present throughout are the antagonists: the mild mannered educated and cultured white woman, her equally educated engineer-turned-farmer husband who knows his position and power and exercises it like a skillful surgeon with a scalpel, and the hateful bigoted patriarch of the white family.

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And then we have the “savior”, the great white hope, the “see, not all white people” knight in shining armor, who is, by the way, absolutely and unequivocally the most dangerous of them all. It is his actions and behavior that places the black family directly in the crosshairs of those looking for any reason to inflict hurt and harm.

I walked away from this film as I do most films of the same nature – pissed off and tired of  the same theme play out before my eyes, again. I know it all too well having been told stories by my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, etc. What I really want filmmakers, both black and white, to understand is that there is more to the post-slavery Black American narrative than suffering.

To my Black brothers and sisters, if you choose to see the film, brace yourselves. Or you can save yourself the misery and wait for the February release of Black Panther and walk away with your head held high, chest out, back straight, feeling affirmed, empowered, and loved in all of your blackness.

 

 

 

Petty & Peace

“When someone’s delicious passive-aggressive pettiness directed at you makes you say “well done’ and you giggle without the urge to reciprocate…that’s #growth.”

pettyThis was my Instagram post Sunday morning but allow me to give it some context so that you can enjoy it completely…as I did.

I live in a townhouse, an end unit. Between my building and the one next to it, there is the “common area”. My neighbor who lives in that building’s end unit is a Black woman and a dog owner, like me.

When I let Lola out to potty, she goes in this 20 foot space between the buildings, in the front and sometime closer to the neighbor’s side. Recently I have been extremely lax in picking up behind Lola, allowing a few days or even a week to pass before I do a massive “poop-pick-up”. I know…bad pet owner here!!

Sunday morning during our daily routine, Lola is out and I notice poop has been tossed closer to my driveway in a random sort of way. Immediately I know what’s up!! I giggled so hard at the level of pettiness but I could not get angry because I KNEW it was a response to me being an irresponsible lazy pet owner.

I decided to write a note to my neighbor which read as follows:

Wrong is wrong.

Admittedly I have been lax in picking up after Lola. Your deliciously petty move made me laugh really hard but also got my attention. I apologize for being the lax lazy neighbor. Please enjoy a cup, or two, of coffee on me! Hell, make it hot tea and sip with satisfaction.

Mea Culpa!

Included in the note was my name, number, and a $10 Starbucks gift card.

A couple of hours later, I received the following text message.Screenshot_20170911-144549

Lesson? Humility and being able to admit when you’re wrong will bring you so much peace. Never stop trying to be a better version of yourself!

Namaste.

 

 

Beautiful, Smart, Strong & Alone

Never enough. Or am I too much?

Unlucky in love is what I am for sure.

terribleYou’re cool, a good girl. An awesome woman who is smart, funny, caring, nurturing with a good head on your shoulder. Any man would be more than lucky to have you on his arm as his life partner or wife. That man isn’t me though.

The all too familiar ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ send off.

When I find myself in the same situation repeatedly, I am compelled to do some self-assessment which begs me to question…

-What am I doing that lands me here over and over again?
-What is it about me that drives them away or gives them pause?
-Why am I not enough?

Here I am, almost 50…wondering.

Am I unlovable? Oh, I’m fuckable…friendable (is that even a word), one with whom you can have deep meaningful conversations on everything from world politics, religion, to social issues and the latest fads, laugh, joke and be your silly self. But, I cannot have your heart.

All of the aforementioned is what he (each and every “he”) wants in his life partner/wife/mate…sans me.

Oh, but we can still be friends.

Yeah…. NO. I am not into collecting male friends like souvenir magnets to hang on the refrigerator door.

Another thing I know for certain is I am tired. I am sad. I have virtually no hope that things will change. I have nothing left to offer in the area of optimism. It is time to accept the hard truth that I will probably be alone forever. My RSVP will never include a plus one.

Well-meaning loved ones rush to offer words of encouragement and positive antidotes to affirm admonitions of how important they think it is to remain hopeful and steadfast.

Not now. Please…. Not. Now.

Sit with me. Hold my hand. Hug me tightly…quietly.