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Valentine’s Day

Originally posted February 12, 2008

brokenheart.jpgIn honor of that wretched stank ass holiday that is Valentine’s, I have decided to reflect on a couple of “love gone wrong” highlights of my past.

But first the disclaimer: I HATE VALENTINE’S DAY! I think it is like most other holidays – commercialized and geared to guilt men into buying flowers, candy, jewelry and other trinkets in order to increase retailers’ bottom line. Women get bent out of shape and pissed off to the highest level of Pisstivity if the man they are married to or “booed” up with fails to come through with any of the aforementioned “guilt gifts”.

Y’all have got to stop drinking the Kool-Aid!

My hatred of the holiday presents the conundrum of all conundrums because it is also my birthday. Oh, I can hear you now, “Ooooh, that’s so sweet. A Valentine’s baby“. SAVE IT! The sh*t blows worse than an Beluga whale…worse than a hooker on Stewart Avenue (the ho strip in Atlanta)…worse than Vivica Fox…worse than, ah hell, you get the point.

I was 22 yrs old, he was 23. We lived together when I first moved to Atlanta. We were immature and dysfunctional. He liked to man-handle me…never hit me with an closed fist just pushed and shoved (like that really makes a difference) when we would get into heated arguments. For a skinny dude he was strong as hell and I knew I couldn’t kick his a$$ so after one of those pushing and shoving moments, I grabbed the biggest knife in the kitchen. As I walked towards him his eyes got as big as saucers. I stomped passed him, out the front door and to his prized ’82 red Mustang GT with the dual-quad carburetor…his “baby“. Flattened all four of those high performance tires, yes I did!! Hit ‘em where it hurts was my philosophy. Turned out to be an expensive philosophy too cause I had to replace the dayum tires. Young. Stupid. In love.

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Through Loss, More Gains

The heart is the locus of physical and spiritual being, and represents the “central wisdom of feeling as opposed to the head-wisdom of reason” (Cooper, 82). It is compassion and understanding, life-giving and complex. It is a symbol for love. Often known as the seat of emotions, the heart is synonymous with affection.
(Source)

For years I avoided the symbol and held a quiet disdain for it. This was rooted in my dislike for Valentine’s Day which is, coincidently, my birthday. Dislike? It was more like I hated it. Up until about the age of 10, every year I would have a heart-shaped birthday cake. After that, I asked my mother to stop with heart-shaped cakes.

My hatred of the holiday presents the conundrum of all conundrums because it is also my birthday. Oh, I can hear you now, “Ooooh, that’s so sweet. A Valentine’s baby“. SAVE IT! The sh*t blows worse than an Beluga whale…worse than a hooker on Stewart Avenue (the ho strip in Atlanta)…worse than Vivica Fox…worse than, ah hell, you get the point. (Valentine’s Day)

I can’t say that my stance on the holiday has changed but I am now drawn to its symbolic icon – the heart.

According to K. Ferlic’s “Symbolism of the Heart”, the heart is metaphorically used to represent four interconnected things:

  • the resting place for the creative spirit
  • the source of the flow of our creative life energy
  • the location for the intention for our life, for aligning with the flow of energy aligns us with that intention
  • it represents the dream we wish to manifest

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Over the past five years or more, I have been on a journey of emotional, spiritual and professional growth. On this journey I have experienced some significant losses that resulted in heartache. The death of a long-time friend, with whom I had lost contact over the years, was the impetus of reconnecting with an old crew of friends. Friendships changed or shifted and much like how it feels when the ground shakes beneath you during an earthquake, it left me “shook”.

Some of those losses were necessary in order to remove/eliminate negative energy and unhealthy attachments that were impeding my growth.

Through loss, more gains.

After 12 years of service with an employer, I was laid off. Although I had been expecting it to happen for more than a few years, I still experienced the normal anxiety wondering how long it would take to find new employment. However, I started a new gig with more and expanding responsibilities, a significant salary increase, and a new beautifully blossoming sisterhood/friendship has emerged.

Through loss, more gains.

textgram_1508588375Writing for my blog and personal journaling became virtually non-existent. My creativity suffered during this time and initially I blamed it on my presence on social media. Post on the “book of faces” and 140 character tweets became my outlet. I was compelled to reflect on how I was contributing to the negative energy I so often complained about being so prevalent on social media.

I have either muted myself completely or significantly reduced my presence on the platforms opting instead to go within. As a result, I have been journaling regularly and the desire to express my creativity through writing is growing more by the day.

Through loss, more gains.

This going within and re-centering, this “getting to the heart of the matter” has manifested itself, subconsciously, in the symbol to which I have found myself drawn. A quick scan of my Instagram page is evident of just that.

If K. Ferlic’s assertions are true that the heart represents the resting place for creative spirit, the source of the flow of creative life energy, the location for the intention for our lives, and the representation of the dream we wish to manifest, then in my using the heart as my logo, I have come full circle.

Everything that has happened has served its purpose in directing me back to the source.

I’ll end it here with two quotes, one from a very close friend.

“The universe brings you shit and takes shit away…remember that…there is a reason for it all. Sometimes it’s not on you to dictate where/when/how you grow.” – TDV

“What you seek is seeking you.” – Rumi

I’m home and that’s where the heart is.

Hey!!! I Remember You…

Hey!!! I remember you little chocolate girl with the long fingers, spindly legs and knobby knees. It seems like your appendages were outgrowing the rest of you by leaps and bounds!

You begged your mother for piano lessons although she tried, unsuccessfully, to get you to take dance lessons. You were too shy for that though. A shy bookworm who didn’t need to be entertained and loved being alone.

So naive. You thought the neighborhood boy, Bryon W., asked you to be his girlfriend when what he really asked for was some “booty“. Remember how insulted you felt? You went home and told your mom with that “how dare he” indignation in your voice. You were only 8 years old and he was too mannish for his own good!

You were a perfect mix of girly girl and tomboy. Sunday mornings would find you decked out in your frilly dress, ankle socks with the lace trimming, and patent leather Mary Janes headed to church with “Mudda”. But later that day you were playing touch football in the middle of the street with Edwin, Edward, Kevin, and Emmanuel.

You could run, throw, and catch the ball with the best of them…up until that very last pass. It came spiraling through the air and positioning yourself perfectly, you caught the ball…your newly developing boobies absorbing the impact. O.U.C.H!!!! Dropping the ball, you declared, “I QUIT!” and ran home leaving the boys standing there in the middle of the street dumbfounded. However, there were still lizards to dissect, tadpoles to catch, and trying, unsuccessfully, to coach a turtle out of it’s shell. Little league softball at the neighborhood park was short lived though…you couldn’t bat the ball worth a dime!

To call you a Daddy’s girl was an understatement. You would take off running for home after hearing his signature whistle signaling it was time to come inside from playing, as if the street lights weren’t warning enough.

Let me tell you a few things sugah…don’t ever lose your passion for reading and when you discover writing – keep doing that too. That attraction you have for the odd ball eccentric loner kids in class…keep that too because you will find that they are the most interesting people. Oh yeah, and that affinity you have to empathize and relate to those emotionally fragile souls…you’ll keep that too.

Eventually you will grow to hate your holiday birthday but enjoy it now with your friends eating cake and ice cream because soon they will prefer the company of boys/men on Valentine’s Day. But don worry, you will experience some awesome friendships along the way with some equally awesome girls/women.

That feeling of “not quite belonging” and that persistent pull that “there’s something else out there” will prompt you to move out of state, traveling to different destinations culminating with a burning desire to live abroad.

And guess what? You will do that too!!

We will do it! I’ll take you with me.

You’re always with me…that little chocl8t girl with the long fingers, spindly legs and knobby knees.

Giving Thanks

thanksgivingThe holiday season is here. I will be spending Thanksgiving with my family and taking time to thank God for all blessings. Some of those blessings have occurred right here.

I’ve been at this blog thing for a little over a year now and I am grateful to my regular readers and commenters who have continued to encourage me to write.

As I was sitting here reflecting on the past year I began to think about some of my favorite posts. They are my favorites because they have made you laugh out loud or managed to strike an emotional chord. Some received many hits and/or comments, some others…not so much.

So while you’re recovering from stuffing your face with turkey, escaping the seemingly never-ending football games, or recuperating from Black Friday shopping, take a few minutes and check out some of Chocl8t’s favorite posts.

 Happy Thanksgiving!!!! 😀

X-Men Trifecta

What is up with the ex-lovers and ex-boyfriends calling? Two last week and one this week. My intention was not to give this more attention than it deserved but now I’m beginning to wonder…am I unconsciously emitting pheromones that are attracting past loves?

It started with a call from M2 ten days ago. Truthfully, I almost fell off my chair when the phone rang because I had not heard from him in over 7 months. After 6 years of going back & forth, being off & on, and not getting what I needed, I finally cut not only communication ties but heart ties as well. You could say I had an epiphany of sorts. The conversation was mostly catching up on what had been going on in each others lives and lasted about 15 minutes. I ended the conversation with an excuse of having to finish some things before heading out for the evening – it was important for me to remain in control of how and when the conversation ended. 😉

A few days later, MG calls. Although things ended between us over 7 years ago we occasionally keep in touch. Since he’s in another state this sporadic communication has never been an issue for me. This conversation started differently. After our “hello’s” and “how you doing’s”, MG’s first question is “Do you have a man?”. Next question, “Are you seeing anyone?”.

He proceeds to lay out his case by telling me he’s doing really well now and wants a “real woman” in his life.

Hmmm, really?

He continues with how he now has something more to bring to the table than just being a “good guy”.

Hmmm, really? More than your 3 kids, 3 baby mamas, and some good d**K?  

His business is doing well, his credit is good and he’s taking a gamble on several other ventures that have good odds of paying off.

Nah, bruh-man…I’ll pass. You know how it is…Once bitten, twice shy. So why is he blowing up my phone er’dayum-day? 😐

Rounding out this X-Men Trifecta is MP. He called and left a voice-mail just this morning. We’ve known each other since we were 14 years old and broke up over 16 years ago. This was the MOST dysfunctional relationship I have had in my life. I mentioned it in my Valentine’s Day post. Every woman I’m sure has one like this in her life. You know the one that tells you if you’re not married by a certain age, he’s going to be your husband? Maaaan, hell would have to freeze over a dozen times before that ever happened!!! There is a very good reason, in fact, many many reasons why you are an X!! Needless to say, I will not be returning the call!

I have moved on from all of these men and can say with all certainty that NOTHING, NADA, would ever happen again between me and either of them. :mumbles:  Well…with one exception……maybe. 😉 But he would have to dayum near walk on water before I let down that wall. And let’s face it, the last man to walk on water was Jesus. LOL!!

So why do men do this? Why can’t y’all get that shit right the first time? This isn’t golf!!! You can’t call a Mulligan dummy!!! There are NO DO OVERS, especially where my heart is involved.