No Dad? No Problem! Really?

Sir, you are no longer needed. Please deposit your sperm in the cup to your left on your way out the door. Mmmkay? Thank you. Good-bye.

Modern women have relegated and diminished men to mere sperm donors.

Don’t think so? Read the article on The Daily Beast titled “No Dad? No Problem.” To say this article set my teeth on edge would be a slight understatement. In short, this article focuses on the ever growing trend of women who become single mothers by choice (SMBC from here out).

While birth rates for unmarried women age 34 and younger have fallen since 2007, they have actually been rising among women 35 and older. These are women who are more likely to be independent, financially stable, and making an active choice to raise children by themselves.

There’s even an organization, or “support group”, Single Mothers by Choice started by Jane Mattes some 32 years ago.

Today, the group has chapters in roughly 35 cities and a database of 30,000 women who have been or are now members. Many are well off. According to a 2009 survey, 22.4 percent of SMCs, as members call themselves, earn between $100,000 and $149,999, and another 16.2 percent earn more than $150,000.

WOW! Who knew? I certainly did not.

blackdadIn my late 30s, back when I thought I wanted children, sever girlfriends were seriously considering single motherhood as an option and did their best to convince me that I should do it. This was never an option I would think to consider. EVER!

I thought then, as I do now, that a child needs both parents actively involved in their lives – dad is equally important as mom, each brining their unique strengths to help nurture the little person into an emotionally well-balanced individual.

When I explained to my friends that I would not have a baby when I wasn’t married, they looked at me as if I had two heads and countered with the following. “If you do marry, there’s no guarantee that it will last, so why not do it.”

<Puppy head tilt>

What kind of flawed thinking is this?

Sorry. That is not a compelling enough argument for me to start out on the wrong foot. And no, I don’t think it’s optimal – single motherhood.

The SMBC philosophy is very similar too what my girlfriends stated.

The word “choice” in our title has two implications: we have made a serious and thoughtful decision to take on the responsibility of raising a child by ourselves, and we have chosen not to bring a child into a relationship that is not a satisfactory one.

This seems to be a common train of thought with these women. Here are a few more quotes from the article.

“The beauty of being an SMC is we don’t have to be beholden to anyone else’s decision making about our lives. Whether they’re right or wrong. If we make mistakes, they’re ours to make,” – Jennifer Whitney

“I get to raise my child however I want. There’s no stress, no tension about child-rearing choices. Now I’m happy all the time. There’s not the emotional up and down. There’s never going to be custody disputes. She’ll never be taken away from me. I’ll never have that worry. It’s not as hard as people imagine.” – Abigail Wofson

Maybe Abigail should speak to some of the single moms I know.

whitedadThe recurring theme here is ME, ME, ME. Their reasoning is centered on how they are affected and seemingly no thought or consideration given to how this “choice” will affect the children in years to come.

Their “choice” implies dads are obsolete, unimportant, and non-factors.

Why would you willingly do this to a child?

Who will teach the daughters what to expect from boys/men when she starts dating? Will she continuously search for love and validation in the arms of unsuitable men because she didn’t have a healthy loving relationship with her father?

As a woman who had One Dad & One Father in my life, I can tell you the relationship with my dad provided a solid foundation. I didn’t have to seek love and affirmation of my self worth and value from some guy I dated. Dad provided that.

Who will teach the sons how to be men? Who will they model themselves after? And despite the women being awesome mothers, a woman can’t teach a boy how to be a man.

dads-day-awesome-camoA close male friend volunteers as a football coach for 12 year old boys here in the Atlanta area. Of the 26, more or less, boys on the team, approximately 4-5 dads are there during practice and game day. The remaining are sons of single mothers. Now, we have no way of knowing if they are SMBC or by divorce, death, incarceration, or whatever other circumstance.

My friend has said there is a huge difference in how the boys with dads and those without behave and react. Most of them he says are “soft as baby thighs” and more importantly are starved for a strong male figure which is apparent by how they are drawn to the coaches.

Again, I will say these women, SMBC are SELFISH! SELFISH! SELFISH! However, what I find most disturbing is this overarching theme that men are obsolete and unnecessary.

I’ll leave you with a comment from the original article that sums it up perfectly.

No dad, no problem? Really? Even if a single mother doesn’t care about her children’s father paying his fair share, the absence of dad in kids’ lives is one of the major troubles plaguing society today. The value of men to their children is incalculable, both to their sons and to their daughters. And the impact of their absence is huge. – Chicaog07

Those are my thoughts…what are yours?

4 thoughts on “No Dad? No Problem! Really?

  1. these women are selfish and horrible mothers…period…nothing else to say. And I’m a single mother NOT BY CHOICE and I still hate that term. but these bitches are just horrible women who are only thinking of themselves. Ain’t a fucking thing cute about doing this shit alone trust me I know these things. I bet you these women have been hurt by men over and over and over again and have never taken the time to find out what role they played in that hurt so they put it all on the men and then turned around and decided to have kids “without” a man just to further mask the pain. Fuck these stupid bitches. As a single mother I got it bad enough I don’t need to be grouped in with these stupid hoes. Sorry for the language sis but this really irritated me!

  2. Beth, it irritated me as well but not from a single mom’s point of view. Women like this are just selfish IMO. So intent on fulfilling their own vain pursuits without any thought of the children…astounding.

  3. Hello! I ran into your blog from the facebook group Women of Color Living Abroad.

    I was looking at this entry, and while it’s interesting, I’ll have to say I respectfully disagree!

    It’s because I see single parenthood (motherhood or fatherhood) as just another family unit. Some children are raised by their biological mother and father. Others are raised by non-biological parents. Some children are raised in other structures, with other family members or grandparents. Some children have two parents of the same gender. Some are raised by single parents. To me, it’s all the same, as long as the children receive the adequate amount of love and care.

    I was raised by a single father for some time, and I have never heard of men receiving the same vitriol that women get for essentially doing the same thing. I don’t think there’s anything inherently inferior by having one parent versus two or more, but issues that may come up are usually economic and are connected to poverty.

    At the present time, I’m a young woman in my 20s. I’m not married nor am I in a serious relationship. I would like to have a family one day, but there is the potential reality of me not marrying at all, or not marrying “on time” to have children. And if I don’t marry by a certain point, I will also decide to become a mother! I don’t think the women are undeserving of or shouldn’t have children just because they’re unmarried. I also don’t think it’s because they’re horrible people or that it’s because they hate men.

    Society and familial patterns are changing. People across the board are marrying less and less. Men don’t want to marry as much as they used to. Why should women hold back their dreams of having children just because of that?

  4. Hi Lauren! Thanks for reading and more importantly, commenting.

    I recognize there are a multitude of different family units which children are loved and raised very successfully. However yes, we will have to agree to disagree on the women who set out on the course of single parenthood. The message it sends, in my opinion, is that fathers are obsolete. So many young men and women, particularly African American, are lacking this vital parental unit. I don’t want to think of how I would have turned out without my dad being there.

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